Tag Archives: Time

Time is…

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Time is many things. How you perceive it and define it change depending upon a myriad of factors: mood, circumstance, age, etc. There are those who tell you, “Time is an illusion”. Now, I get that on a metaphysical level, where indeed in the big proverbial scheme of things like eternity, time is unquantifiable. But, here in our earthbound existence, our lives are defined by time. You wake up at a certain time to catch the train to get you to work by 9 A.M. You set the timer on the oven for 30-40 minutes so the soufflé you made will be cooked properly.

Why am I going on about time? Well, today marks six months since Mom died and just like my father’s passing 31 years ago, my perception of that time is mixed. This was my first entry about her death. On the one hand, it feels fresh like it just happened today, while on the other hand, it feels like this new reality without her physical presence is not new at all. There are days when I’m doing well and making great progress on the “stuff” of death: closing accounts, opening new ones, paying bills. Time is my friend on these days. Then there are the days when I look around at all the clutter that still hasn’t been given away, sold, or otherwise discarded, the paperwork that still needs to be completed, and the memorial Mass that still needs to be scheduled and held for her, and I feel like time is my enemy.

I’m reading a book that I’ve been meaning to get to for years: The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I’m about halfway through it, and while the concepts discussed aren’t new to me, I’m finding more of a resonance right now. The importance of living in the present is one such concept. Hey, I’ve read Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now, and didn’t the Buddha say, “Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life”? Having a present-moment focus isn’t revelatory to me.

What is new is my desire to embrace the present moment. For far too long, life “right now” was the last place I wanted to be. The present moment was full of 24/7, 365-day “fight or flight” when it came to Mom and her health. I’d much rather remember the “good old days” before macular degeneration, mystery bleeds, and congestive heart failure. Or I’d dream of some distant future when I’d be doing creative work I loved and traveling. Neither living in the past nor the future was satisfying but they were better than the present.

I just came across these lines in The Alchemist and the profundity of its simplicity shifted something within me:

The secret is here in the present. If you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it. And, if you improve upon the present, what comes later will also be better.

Here’s to a mindful present for us all.

via GIPHY

What’s Your Number?

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We often hear people say, “It’s just a number” when speaking about age. Okay, I get that, but numbers do dominate our lives. Test scores validate and rank a student’s progress, what the scale says can determine how you feel about yourself on any given day, your salary is an indicator of your worth to your employer, and yes, the date on your birth certificate can affect what you and others feel about your own viability, desirability, and cultural relevance. In essence, numbers can dictate your “shelf life”.

When it comes to age, the numbers game has always troubled me. For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt that time was my enemy. I was always running out of it or wasting it. This “time bomb” constantly ticks under the surface of my daily life, but it’s guaranteed to blow at least two times during the year: New Year’s Eve and my birthday. Unlike people who see both of these days as markers of new beginnings, I see them as grim reminders of all that I’ve failed to do, change, or achieve since the last birthday or “Auld Lang Syne” sing-along. This feeling has only gotten stronger the older I’ve become. Today is my 53rd birthday and to be blunt, this has been a shitty year. I’m not going to bore you with details of angst and woe, but trust me, life hasn’t been some Hallmark Channel, happy clappy, fun-filled adventure. Think Sharknado and you’ll be on the right track.

So, unless I want a sequel of deadly flying sharks symbolically destroying my life again until my next birthday, I need to change my mindset. With the patience of a gnat on crack, “instant gratification or bust” has been my unsuccessful mantra so far. What to do, what to do?

I have a telephone consultation with a therapist this afternoon. That’s a start. I’ve done therapy before. My problem isn’t knowing what my problems are. I can analyze, diagnose and talk my issues to death. The trick is making the changes necessary. I’m looking for coping strategies, a bullet point list of steps to take. No more attempts at past life regression or cooing “there, there” to my annoying inner child. That’s all fine and good, but I need to see some results in the here and now, not in the hereafter.

The other thing I’m going to do is continue to find examples of people who’ve accomplished goals later in life. I stumbled across a great reminder on Twitter this week about the actress, Kathryn Joosten, who didn’t start acting until the age of 40. She didn’t get her big break until 20 years later when she was cast as Martin Sheen’s secretary, “Mrs. Landingham”, on The West Wing. Writer and activist Charlotte Clymer shared Kathryn’s story on Twitter as a response to the ageism she sees permeating our culture. I’m going to re-read Kathryn Joosten’s story every time the time clock is ticking like a time bomb in my head. Just like internalized homophobia, internalized ageism is just as detrimental as anything the outside world can do. My birthday wish? Less sharks and more serenity.