I don’t dream. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. I don’t often remember my dreams and when I do, they would be better off forgotten. My dreams fall into two basic categories: school dreams/nightmares and “Odd Couple” dreams (and no, I’m not in REM sleep with Tony Randall and Jack Klugman, thank goodness). Let’s look at these categories, one by one, shall we?

School Dreams/Nightmares: The other night I had one of the nondescript “Kelly is back in college” dreams. These dreams usually center on me realizing that I’m way out of practice when it comes to studying and time management. There is some stress in the dream but nothing too overwhelming. Just the general feeling of being the proverbial fish out of water.

The nightmare version involves me on the verge of graduation only to be informed that I have one more math class to take. Math has been my nemesis my entire life (thank you, Sister Mary, First Grade nun from Hell) and I always lived in fear that one last math requirement would crop up. This nightmare started just before graduation and has continued sporadically in the decades since.

“Odd Couple” Dreams: These are the kinds of dreams in which people you would never pare together show up. Most often I wake up from one of these dreams shaking my head and asking, “What the hell was that about?” They are just weird and almost always amusing. Take for example one dream I had involving my grandmother and Pee Wee Herman doing the lambada. My grandmother used to do the Irish jig on St. Patrick’s Day and we know all about Pee Wee’s dance moves:

Tequila Dance

What always disappoints me is that I’m never coupled with some hottie in my dreams. Didn’t Freud say dreams were wish fulfillment? Well, Siggy, I sure have lots of unfulfilled wishes, buddy boy.  And those wishes certainly don’t include Pee Wee Herman, my grandmother or school.

I’m glad that I don’t have scary dreams where I’m chased or tormented. Nan and Pee Wee is traumatizing enough. If, however, I do have to be chased or tormented in dreams, feel free to send any of the following to do the deed.

Sofia Vergara

Salma Hayek

Charlize Theron

 (Yawn.) Gee, I’m getting really sleepy all of a sudden. Maybe I should try to take a little nap…