Is there a difference between grieving and mourning? Instinctively, I believe there is, but defining what the difference is can be challenging. I’ve read some articles and nothing has really clarified the distinction completely for me. So, I’m left with figuring it out for myself. Through my experience of the deaths of both of my parents, the feelings of loss change due to a variety of factors. The main factor is time. When a loss first occurs, this is when I believe grief enters the picture. There’s shock and sadness and all of those intense, immediate emotions. Grief is the initial pain of the wound of the loss. It hurts, it bleeds and when knocked again, the wound can re-open and bleed some more.

Time heals and seals the wound but sometimes a scar is left from the wound. The scar is the reminder of that loss. It may not pain you in the same way but the scar reminds you that the loss is still there. This reminder of what you lost and how your life has changed is when you enter mourning.

This switch to mourning hit me while buying a couple Christmas cards the other day. As my eyes scanned the shelves, they landed on the “Mother” section. I realized in an instant that never again would I buy my mother a Christmas card. That ritual was over. I always took a lot of time picking out just the right card that said just the perfect thing for Mom. It meant a lot to me and to her.

When I got home, I was still reeling from the card revelation, only to have more. I had already made the decision to not decorate this year. Christmas is my favorite holiday, but I just couldn’t face seeing a lifetime of ornaments and decorations and not having Mom here to enjoy them.

Then the reality about Christmas hit me. Not only will I never buy Mom a card again, but I’ll never buy stocking stuffers or presents for her either. Since it was always just Mom, Dad, and me, we always liked lots of things to open. Small things went into the stockings like lip balm, hand lotion, Emory boards, or licorice gum. (That was for Dad.) And every item was wrapped before going into the stocking. Dad would just throw things into Mom’s stocking but I’d fish them out and wrap them properly and he’d just smile and shake his head.

As for presents, we also made sure there were multiple gifts for each of us to unwrap. Now, these gifts weren’t all “big ticket” items. They could be underwear, pajamas, or trouser socks on the smaller end, up to perfume, shoes, or jewelry on the larger end. It made for a fun, drawn-out Christmas morning.

That is all gone as well and I’m in mourning. Not for the “stuff”, but for the love behind the “stuff”, the togetherness, the shared memories, the nostalgia. I’m faced with coping with truly being alone. This year at least, I don’t want to do any of the same things I would have done with Mom. It would feel odd and somewhat disrespectful. It would feel like I was trying to forget that she existed by doing the same things and just swapping her out. She is not replaceable and I don’t want to try replacing her just to stay busy.

So, I hope that family and friends will understand me not participating in the same events and traditions this Christmas. Maybe next year. This year, I have to mourn what was, accept what is, and figure out what I want life to be going forward.

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